Train Wreck

I thought I was over you, I thought I was finally at a point where being your friend was good and all I would need. For the past four years I’ve considered you my best friend, the first person I call, the last person I speak to before I go to bed. I confide in you, tell you my secrets, my goals, my dreams. I ask for advice and I listen, I cry about things and feel consoled by you. I was so excited when I met someone and I told you about him, told you about the butterflies I felt, never thought less than a month later that those butterflies would be fluttering for you. Why am I jealous that you met someone, that clearly you like her, and admire her drive and brag about her accomplishments? You deserve to be happy and I know this, but I’ll admit I’m sad because it’s not me who’s making you smile.

What is this? Is it because I missed you, am I lusting over the fun weekend we had, am I wishing for me and you simply because you made my baby smile? I remember when we met and how it was me and you, then it wasn’t. Then I hated you and thought I would never get over you. We became friends and I loved you, but I was no longer in love with you and I was happy because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like my heart would break if I didn’t end up with you. But now the feeling is back and I’m not sure how I feel about it. You are everything I want, but I know it can’t be and I hate that. I hate that I’m not what you are looking for, I hate that you love me, but you aren’t in love with me. I hate that you are all I can think about, I hate that I love you, I hate that I’m in love with you again!