I can't anymore

I started blogging as a way to express and release the emotions that I was going through after having my daughter and dealing with the issues of my relationship or lack there of with her father and the whole ordeal of having to move back home and start over. My blog at the time was my friend. It was the one place that I could speak my mind and say exactly what or how I was feeling without being embarrassed or getting opinions from others who knew nothing about what I was going through. I let out a lot of anger, pain and hurt emotions in the beginning. Eventually I saw growth. Looking back at different posts I see where I was able to forgive and move on into a new part of my life. I kept writing, but my writing became happier and more just a daily journal of events in my life. I had some good times and some trying times, but I managed to come out each day thankful for the one before and excited for the new one to come.
I enjoy writing and love that my blog allows me to put my words out there and allows a few people into that little private part of my head. Lately however my writing has not been the same. My posts have become fillers.
I have so many emotions going through my mind, but I just can’t express them in writing or haven’t been able or wanting to lately. I guess the main reason is that I’m tired of writing angry, sad, or depressing posts. I want to be able to share happy things too, but I haven’t been very happy in the past few months.
I feel lost at this point. Not sure of what I need to make me happy or what I want to do with my life now.
About six months ago I met someone through a mutual friend. I was hesitant about giving him my number or even going there, but after a lot of convincing and me just telling my self to take a chance, I did. Although it wasn’t the ideal situation from the start, the first few months were amazing. This man brought a light to my life. He made me smile like no one else could; he made me feel wanted, beautiful. He made me believe that I could do the relationship thing again. I loved our conversations, every moment we spent together. He made me so comfortable that I let down my guard…
Then he put up his. I don’t know if I said or did something, but things changed between us.
We still speak or text almost everyday, but the connection we once had just isn’t there anymore. I like him so much, but I know that things are not going to work. The only way to get over him is to completely remove him from my life and this is the part I’m having trouble with. I want to remain friends, but it’s hard to be just a “friend” when you want more. It’s hard to wake up and not wonder what he’s doing or if he’s thinking about me like I am about him. It’s hard to smile about other things when he used to put the smile there before.
I’m not enjoying my life each day like I used to. I’m thankful don’t get me wrong, because there is so much that I am grateful for. I have a beautiful baby girl that I love waking up to each morning. I have a house and a car I love. I have a job that pays well and all other necessities. I’m just missing a small piece and I don’t know what to do to get it back. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to be fair to my daughter & give her all of me because it’s already not fair that she only has one parent. I need to get myself together especially for her, but I just don’t know how. I hide my tears from her and put on a smile and a brave face each day, but how long can I do this before she looks into my eyes & sees the sadness, the pain. I don’t want this for her. She deserves so much better.
I keep telling myself that I’ve been through this before and I can bounce back, but it’s hard to see that in the future. It’s hard to look ahead when you are still looking back hoping that something is going to change there.
This post is long, probably confusing because it’s all over the place, but that’s kind of how my life is right now.
I don’t want to give up my blog, but for now I just need to give it a break. So it might be a while before I write or post anything here. I might come back and have zero readers if that isn’t already the case. But I hope that when I do come back I am better & ready to write happy stories.
Until Then…