We Were Just Fine

After 8 months of no contact, no letters, no phone calls, no checks in the mail (ever), nothing... Today you decided to call. We were doing just fine without you! She is 3 years old now, she walks, talks, sings, dances and makes me laugh everyday. I love her so much, every single part of her little being. In so many ways she is a miniature version of myself and in so many ways she is you. For two and a half years it hurt, a pain like I couldn't believe. I cried, screamed, became angry and prayed to God for help. I prayed for understanding and eventually I started praying for forgiveness because I had never hated someone like I hate hated you. My hands are shaking as I type this, I am angry again, mad because you have the audacity to think that you can just come back into her life like you never left. Fuck it, you didn't even leave because you never came into her life. She doesn't know you! She doesn't know what it is like to have a father and that sucks! She's three she should know how to say Daddy and run into some arms when the door opens in the afternoons, instead she screams for Grandma, for auntie Jay or Zee. 

Everyone says that the right thing to do is to give you a chance. They say it's only fair to her that she should have a father. But is it really? What if you decide to build her up and then break her down when she's old enough to remember, what do I do then? What do I say, when I can't protect her from a broken heart? I am asking God to guide me, help me to know what action to take from here because I am lost in this one again. Why the fuck do you keep coming back into our lives? Do you care all of a sudden? I find it very hard to believe that, I find it very hard to believe that there isn't an ulterior motive behind this phone call. 

I hate that phone call, I hate this, I hate you!