You want the truth, I’m hurt! Yeah that happens to me, just like I’m pretty sure it has happened to you, every time you’ve been disappointed or didn’t get exactly what you want or didn’t hear exactly what you wanted to hear. But it goes a lil deeper than that for me. See the thing is since you were born I treated you like my own. I changed your diapers, played with you and took you with me almost every where I went. I neglected others not on purpose, but just because me and you were a team. I was always so very proud of you, still am even though I’m upset. I can’t deny the fact that you are beautiful and talented.
I moved away when I was 17. I had to, I had to get the fuck away from the people who were doing nothing but keeping me stuck and make a life for myself. See while you are there thinking that your life sucks at least at your age you have options. I couldn’t do Half the shit you get to do, not because I didn’t want to, but because it was discouraged. I always had to hear “I don’t have any money for this so don’t even think about it!” I couldn’t sing at concerts or join a band or whatever other extra curricular activity I may have had an interest in. I didn’t go to my prom, not because I didn’t want to like I’ve said all these years, but because “there was no money” to make the one night that is supposed to be the most memorable happen for me. While you’re complaining because you didn’t get Wendy’s today or because you got the $100 dress and $60 shoes, but not the cool earrings, I didn’t complain when I left St.Croix with $250 in my pocket. $250 that was due that same night I arrived in my security deposit, never mind the fact that I didn’t even have sheets to put on my bed or food to put in the fridge.
Even so I didn’t hold any resentment that shit made me stronger, independent, and appreciative. I’m not mad that you got to do all of the shit that I didn’t. I’m mad because you don’t appreciate it. I’m mad because you act like the shit is owed to you, like it will kill you to lift a finger and wash a dish to show your appreciation.
It took some getting used to when I came back home and everyone was grown up and doing their own thing. And as much as I try to act like the big sis, I also feel like I need to give advice and guidance and not just say what you want to hear. The truth is I know the mistakes you’ve made because I’ve made some of them myself. And that guy you think was soooo worth it at the time, I’m pretty sure if you haven’t already thought it you’ll in the future say to yourself damn I wish I had waited. Forgive me if I’m not the cool one who takes you on your dates no questions asked, or buys you a drink or lets you take that shot. That’s not me because I care and I know that the shit isn’t cool. You have enough time to do all that shit that you’re in such a rush to experience. I’ve done it, trust me it gets old.
I know so much of the wrong shit that you’ve done, but I held my tongue because no one likes a rat and as much as it bothers me to say this, I feel like if your parents were doing their job then you wouldn’t be doing that shit. I was trying my best to change a little and just get along and for a point we were doing good or so I thought. I felt like wow finally it feels like a family, like I belong. Even though you complained about little things like watching the kid, I let it slide. But then to stumble upon shit saying that you hated me, that was the straw…and this back it broke.
I’m hurt because as angry as I’ve been in the past of shit you’ve done, I never said to anyone or myself that I hated you. It hurts to know that your little friends who have done worst get more respect than I do. It hurts because I see you and I used to see me. I’ve been hurt by a lot of people, but for my own to do it just digs a little deeper. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not trying anymore. Before you know it I’ll be gone and you’ll probably be happy, it hurts to know that, to think it, but hey I should be used to hurting by now!
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