Understanding

I look back at the day that changed my life forever & I wonder if I could take anything back or change it would I do it? See the thing is I believe that everything in life happens the way it is supposed to happen. I believe that God puts you in certain places and situations to produce certain outcomes. Have I questioned these things? Have I ever asked why me? Sure, but deep down I know the answer and not to sound like a cliché, but why not me, right?

July 3, 2007 was an emotional day for me, it symbolized so many things that were coming and going. It meant new beginnings as well as the end of an era. I remember waking up that day in the hospital thinking I’m not ready for what’s next. It was the first time in the nine months I was pregnant that I had actually been scared. I worried about being a good mom, worried about her dad doing his part. What if something was wrong with the baby, what if I couldn’t handle this? I was so used to having everything under control, so used to being able to plan for things and make them happen my way that I freaked when I didn’t know what was going to happen.
My mom was there to support me the entire time; I think back and don’t know how I could have done it without her. I wonder will I ever be half the mom she’s been to me. Her dad did show up, I celebrated with my eyes because everything else hurt so badly, but the party was cut short. He had to leave... Something came up! What the hell could be more important than the birth of your daughter? I couldn’t ask that question, to this day I never did because I knew his answer just wouldn’t be good enough. I guess I knew even before that day that he would disappoint me. As he walked out, her heart rate dropped, I guess it was her way of telling the world that her heart was aching too!
Everything after that moved so fast. An epidural & a C-section later I heard her cry, I saw her face and I fell in love. Nia Seygal 8lbs. 1oz. 20in.
The first time I held her I cried. I cried because I loved her and I cried because from day one I knew there was one thing I couldn’t give her, a daddy.
Everything changed after that day. My heart, my body, my patience, my lifestyle and my mind, it was all different. I’m scared to love again, I’m not as confident as I once was because I don’t look the same and I loose sleep at night because sometimes I wake up just to make sure she’s okay. I’ve lost friends, been depressed and questioned faith, but every time I ask myself if I could go back and change anything, what would it be?
My Answer: NOTHING.