Not on Your Day

I didn't want to write this post on your day because I don't want to feel like this then. I'm gonna be happy & smiling for you, because that's the only thing you deserve. In 8 days it will be 3 years since I met you, the anniversary of the day I fell in love with the most amazing person in the world to me. I will do everything I can to make that day special, balloons, a cake and presents. In 8 days baby girl you'll be 3 years old and your father won't be there to celebrate.
He wasn't there when you turned 1 or 2 and probably won't be there when you turn 5, but I will. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I will be enough, because I won't. You will want him and need him and it's going to hurt both you and me. It will hurt you because you haven't done anything wrong and you will only want his love. It will hurt me because there is nothing I can do to fix it, to change it or to make you feel better.
I wonder if he'll ever change, grow up, and decide to be there. I wonder if he has nightmares about his decision to not be there, because dreams are nice and he doesn't deserve to dream. I wonder will you ever be okay without him. I know you'll be happy and successful and you'll learn to cope, but I wish you didn't have to. I wish so much that your life was normal or as normal as it should be. I wish you knew how to say Daddy, I've never heard you say it and that's crazy to me, your going to be 3, that would've been your second word, after mommy, that is if you had one.
You're not the first person who's father decided to walk out and you won't be the last, but I really wish it didn't have to be this way. I wanted you to be a daddy's girl because I wasn't. I wanted him to be the number one man in your life so that no asshole could sweet talk you and tell you different. I know you're only going to be 3, but I know these things will come up in the future. You are going to have questions and honestly I don't know what I'm going to say except that I love you, always have and always will.